5 Awesome Sci-Fi Movie Technologies That’d Suck In Real Life

Why are we still driving non-flying cars to our non-space workplaces while fantasizing about our merely two-boobed prostitutes? Where are all the snazzy gadgets and awesome technologies movies promised us? In many cases, they’re right here. We just don’t use them because, well, they kinda suck. Like how …

5

Controlling Computers With Hand Gestures Is Awful

In Minority Report, Tom Cruise plays a future cop who tries to warn everyone that Max von Sydow is evil, but no one will believe him, even though he’s clearly Max von Sydow. But what most people remember best are the scenes wherein Cruise controls his futuristic crime lab computer by waving his arms around.

How cool is that? Instead of having to say “enhance” and then clicking a boring old mouse, Cruise picks up files and videos from the air itself, and explores them using simple gestures. Soon, other movies were jumping in on this hot futuristic action. From Iron Man 2

Marvel Studios

… to Prometheus

20th Century FoxSpoilers: This movie will show up a lot in this article.

… to Star Trek: Discovery.

CBS Television StudiosThank you in advance for the 100 comments about how this one’s not a movie.

Why We’re Not Using This Today:

As everyone who has ever owned a Kinect knows, this crap gets old fast. The biggest issue is that your arms get tired very quickly if you hold them up for even a short period of time. If you make that a long time, the feeling gets absolutely excruciating. Engineers actually identified this problem in the ’80s, and even gave it a name: the “gorilla arm” effect. You know, because your arms get “sore, cramped, and oversized,” and you end up looking and feeling like a gorilla. Not even a cool sci-fi cyborg gorilla like in Congo.

Take another look at that Minority Report scene. When Cruise goes to shake Colin Farrell’s hand, he accidentally moves a bunch of files he’s working on. That would happen all the time. Imagine you’re holding 350 slides that took you five hours to organize and you suddenly get an itch on your butt:

20th Century FoxOr any other activity where you might be shaking your hand while staring at your screen …

Any interface that lies flat and gives you a wide range of control — even if you only move your hands a few inches — would beat this thing … hands down. If only we had something like that!

4

Sci-Fi Holograms Are Inferior To 2D Images In Almost Every Way

If somebody in a sci-fi movie needs to look at something important, a paltry two dimensions simply will not do. They need holograms for absolutely everything, even when audio alone would do the job. Like in Star Wars, when R2-D2 shows Leia’s holographic recording to a horned up Luke:

LucasfilmWhile Obi-Wan silently screams on the inside.

Here it is again in The Last Starfighter:

Universal Pictures

And here’s a dude’s head popping out of a monitor on Star Trek: Discovery:

CBS Television Studios

Hell, even the highly advanced race of spacefaring giants who created mankind love holograms! From Prometheus:

20th Century FoxYou need to adjust the tracking on your Space Voldemort.

Why We’re Not Using This Today:

You may have noticed something about the holograms above: They A) look like crap, B) are completely pointless, or C) both. That pretty much sums up holograms in the real world, too. Remember that time Tupac’s blue ghost crashed a Snoop Dogg performance? And remember how the company responsible went bankrupt soon thereafter? Turns out there isn’t much real use for blurry, semi-transparent 3D projections that cause eye strain if you look at them for too long.

Even the nicest example is so fuzzy and transparent that it’s not clear why you would bother with it over a 2D video feed. In the 2017 Ghost In The Shell, a hologram is used to reconstruct a murder scene, but it’s so imprecise (red tint, kinda blurry, semi-transparent) that it’s hard to think of a use for it other than making up for the investigator’s chronic lack of imagination.

Paramount Pictures“Ohhh, that’s what tables look like. OK, I’m good.”

In Prometheus (again!), the Weyland Corporation’s holograms don’t have a tint, but they’re so transparent that everyone on the crew probably ended up with a migraine anyway.

20th Century Fox“Oh, I thought it was the script causing that.”

If you absolutely need to communicate visual information over a vast distance, why would you choose this technology? Think of the bandwidth charges! We already know the future doesn’t have Net Neutrality.

3

Nobody Likes Video Calls (Except In The Movies)

With the possible exception of flying cars and sex-bots, no technology shows up in sci-fi movies as often as video calls. Whether they’re discussing something of galaxy-shattering importance or reminding their spouse to buy eggs, everybody in the future does everything via video calls. We see it in …

Marvel StudioGuardians Of The Galaxy

Warner Bros. PicturesDemolition Man

TriStar PicturesTotal Recall (the good one)

Columbia PicturesTotal Recall (the Colin Farrell one)

Paramount PicturesStar Trek Into Darkness

… and like a million other movies. We’ll stop now, or we’ll be here all day.

Why We’re Not Using This Today:

We are! Video calling is finally a reality! And it sucks. Seriously, unless it’s for Twitch streaming, nobody uses it. And it’s easy to see why.

You can take voice calls in almost any situation where you can talk, but if you take a video call, you have to look like a decently dressed, reasonably groomed human being. Plus, you have to make sure you didn’t leave something like, say, a giant pink dildo visible in the background. Which has happened. On the BBC.

And yet sci-fi characters love this technology so much that they’ll literally risk their lives to use it. In 2017’s Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets, right as the characters are leaving a planet’s orbit, the face of their boss pops up smack dab in the middle of their ship’s front viewport. That could kill you while you’re driving a car, let alone piloting a spaceship.

EuropaCorp“Just called to remind you that driving and Skyping is illegal. Also, you’re fired.”

2

Super Advanced Robots Always Have Needlessly Terrible Vision

One of the coolest types of shots is when we go inside a robot’s head to see the way they look at the world. Like in the Terminator movies, in which Arnold Schwarzenegger sees everything through a badass red filter, with a bunch of important-looking numbers and text readouts:

TriStar PicturesWhy isn’t the text in Austrian, though?

Or the recent RoboCop remake, where the Robo-Vision (that’s the official name, look it up) shows everything in an old-timey reddish sepia tone, with, again, added text and data prompts:

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer“08 threats and 15 cliches detected.”

Why We’re Not Using This Today:

Look at any decent first-person shooting game. The status bars and prompts are always minimal and in the corners of the screen. If they took up 30 percent of your monitor, like in the examples above, the developers would have angry nerds with actual guns outside their houses. All those big letters and numbers are covering up important visual information, allowing AmishTeabaggz42069 to sneak up and shoot you in the head. And what are they even there for? Terminators have computers for brains. Why do they need to see the data they themselves are processing?

On top of that, the obligatory red tint makes these killer robots effectively colorblind, and prevents them from easily distinguishing between, say, blood and other liquids, which you’d think would be important in their line of work. At the other end of the spectrum, we have medical robots like Baymax from Big Hero 6, whose internal HUD looks like this:

Walt Disney Pictures“Slack-jawed and dumb-looking … perfectly healthy for a teen boy.”

All those widgets are probably helpful for a robot that patches up humans, but that blue tint … isn’t. Baymax needs to see his patients as accurately as possible, not just to identify any physical symptoms, but also to make treatment easier. It’s been demonstrated that blue light hinders injections, since it’s harder to find a vein under the patient’s skin.

Meanwhile, in Chappie, the law-enforcing robots that patrol the streets are all apparently equipped with crappy late ’90s webcams. Imagine trying to shoot the correct criminal if this was what you saw:

Columbia PicturesCan robots get motion sickness?

To be fair, all these examples are still an improvement over 1973’s Westworld, wherein the highly advanced Yul Brynner robot, whose sole purpose is to shoot people in gunfights, can’t even tell a fork from a spoon.

Metro-Goldwyn-MayerSporks make their heads explode.

1

Computer Screens In Science Fiction Movies Are Worse Than The Ones We Have Today

In sci-fi movies, computer screens are elaborate displays of carefully matched colors and captivating animations (even when no one’s using them). They’re all packed with graphs and numbers and all sorts of doubtlessly essential information. Marvel at the snazzy monitors in 2009’s Star Trek

Paramount Pictures

… and Avatar

20th Century Fox

… and naturally, good ol’ Prometheus:

20th Century Fox

Why We’re Not Using This Today:

We lose ten minutes of work time every time a pigeon lands outside our window. If you had to do your job next to a bunch of huge screens that kept looping through colorful graphics, you’d probably get quite distracted. And if your own screen insisted on performing a lovely animation every time you updated some data or asked for an analysis, you’d probably start daydreaming about Microsoft Excel for the first time in your life.

In almost every sense, these sci-fi screens are a huge step backwards compared to what we have now. Nearly all of them have low contrast (making it harder to read things at a glance) and a grand total of four colors, all of which are usually variations of blue and green. The Avengers:

Marvel StudiosThis would look better if they were all playing Galaga.

Mars (a National Geographic miniseries):

National Geographic

Prometheus:

20th Century PicturesLast time, we promise!

Not only does this mean that you run out of ways to highlight important stuff quickly, but the preponderance of blue and lack of red tones can even be dangerous. See, when your eyes have adapted to a dark environment, light of any color except red will disrupt that adaptation. This is called the Purkinje effect. That’s why interfaces for things like submarines and airplanes use a lot of red, which allows, for example, pilots flying at night to clearly see both the screen and the view outside their cockpit. But on the other hand, blue looks neater, so that’s a fair tradeoff.

These sci-fi screens fail at the most basic function of a user interface: conveying information quickly and easily. Everything important is hidden in dense blocks of tiny text and numbers scattered around the screen. The only way the following screenshots make sense is if the characters have superhuman vision or magnifying glasses:

Marvel StudiosThe Avengers

Paramount PicturesStar Trek Beyond

20th Century PicturesAvatar

For comparison, here is a real-life NASA mission control room:

NASA

Note the lack of flashy animated visualizations. The multiple high-contrast colors. The text that is readable when you’re at the intended distance. And Earth has yet to be attacked by alien invaders. Coincidence? We don’t think so.

Prometheus isn’t a bad movie, but please make sure you’ve seen Alien before watching Prometheus. We talk about that movie a lot on this site too.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25385_5-awesome-sci-fi-movie-technologies-thatd-suck-in-real-life.html

5 Insanely Important Jobs (We’re Running Out Of People For)

Supply and demand should ensure that we never run out of people to do the really key jobs. If there was a dire shortage of, say, potato chip flavor developers (don’t panic, this is strictly theoretical), chip companies would make the salary and perks of the job more attractive, colleges would hype up the benefits of majoring in flavor science, and new blood would enter the field, bringing with them the caramel-and-Worcestershire-sauce-flavored Pringles we truly deserve. But reality is nowhere near that efficient, and we are running out of people for some especially vital jobs. For example …

5

Old Programmers Are Dying Off … And Taking Their Computer Languages With Them

As far as we’re concerned, computers are magic. We don’t know the technical details of what goes down when we order a book from Amazon or stream truly shocking amounts of pornography, and frankly, we don’t want to. That’s why we have computer programmers. They do all the important behind-the-scenes work that lets us take complicated technology for granted, and they give us someone to complain about when that technology fails and we can’t stream Gilmore Girls on our toaster at three in the morning.

But there’s a problem: An enormous amount of our financial data is stored on systems still running ancient programming. Roughly three trillion dollars a day runs through computers still operating on COBOL, a language that was developed in 1959. Everything from ATMs to credit card networks to mortgage payments rely on a system that makes calculator watches look like absurd science fiction. And the majority of people who know how to fix the many problems with COBOL are getting ready to meet their programmers.

Via Fossbytes.comSo sleep tight knowing that your paycheck could depend on a program that looks like it should be threatening Matthew Broderick with nuclear annihilation.

It’s not as simple as moving everything onto a more modern infrastructure. At this point, the financial system is so intertwined with its COBOL roots that it would be like trying to simultaneously replace all of your veins with fiber optics. A switchover is theoretically possible, but if something goes wrong, the financial data for millions of people could vanish.

Since it would be impractical to make everyone temporarily withdraw all of their money until the problem is fixed, geriatric programmers are making good money running firms that specialize in COBOL. Meanwhile, the industry is rushing to train young programmers (and rehire the old guys they fired because they thought their skills were obsolete). Further compounding the problem is that programmers of the original COBOL systems rarely wrote handbooks, and deciphering someone else’s computer code 40 years later is like trying to communicate an elaborate sexual fantasy via slide whistles.

And it’s not only banking. NASA once desperately needed to find programmers who knew Fortran to communicate with their Voyager probes. These are by no means insurmountable problems, so don’t panic and put all of your money in Dogecoins tomorrow. But it’s kind of like suddenly discovering that we have to teach thousands of people Latin to prevent the English language book industry from collapsing.

4

The Demand For Oncologists Skyrockets While Supply Plummets

We’re living longer than ever, and while that’s mostly awesome, it does have some downsides. Now that we’re not frequently devoured by wolves, we have to deal with other, increasingly common causes of death, like heart disease or insisting that you could kick everyone’s ass in a hot dog eating contest. And then there’s cancer.

We need oncologists more than ever, and that’s a problem, since burnout is taking a serious toll on that profession. We’re estimated to be short 2,500 to 4,000 oncologists by 2020. The burnout can be physical — you’re constantly required to stay up to date on lab results, deal with sudden calls from patients at all hours of the day, and fight for settlements with insurance companies — but there’s also the emotional exhaustion of forming close bonds with suffering patients, having to break difficult news to them, and in some cases, watching them die.

Association of American Medical CollegesThe news isnt really great for other specialties, either.

We need to increase the number of America’s oncologists by an estimated 40 percent by 2025 merely to keep up with the need. Improving medical care is going to make us better at surviving other diseases, which means more people are going to be confronting nature’s final boss. To close the gap between the high retirement rates and new trainees entering the field, we’ll need hundreds more people to enter oncology programs each year. And we’re currently losing them hand over fist. So if you’re getting ready for med school and have no issues with emotionally crushing situations, we’ve found a promising career for you.

3

We’re Short On Farm Labor Because It’s Such A Terrible Job

85 percent of farm laborers are immigrants, and roughly 70 percent of those immigrants are undocumented. And between 2009 and 2016, that workforce decreased by three million people due to deportation. Those who do remain are growing older, and there might not be anyone to replace them.

OK, but isn’t that the whole point of deporting undocumented immigrants? To free up jobs for unemployed citizens? In theory, yes … but not enough Americans looking for work want to get into farming. It’s exhausting, physical labor with long hours in harsh weather. One farm started offering Americans $20 an hour, but still couldn’t retain workers. 401(k)s? Health insurance? Generous bonuses? None of it makes up for the fact that the work blows, despite what Stardew Valley told you about the appeal of quitting your office job to live in the country.

Norma FloresBut hey, free housing … assuming youre OK with living in dilapidated communal barracks.

With demand vastly exceeding supply, farmers have had to rethink what they can afford to grow and harvest. Nuts, for example, can be harvested by machines, but peaches require the delicate touch of a human. But replacing human labor with machines means that only a minuscule fraction of employees will be needed in the future. So an entire industry will up and vanish, and then we’ll have to think of some new problem to blame immigrants for.

2

Nobody Wants To Be A Skilled Manufacturer Anymore

While the United States undeniably has a shortage of skilled jobs that provide stability and security, there’s also a huge, undiscussed problem in the opposite direction. We don’t have enough people trained to do skilled manufacturing jobs.

MixabestShocking how no one wants a career that will obviously be done by humans forever.

That means factory work, machine maintenance, melting Terminators in giant vats of liquid metal, etc. Up to two million of those jobs will go unfilled over the next decade just because people aren’t trained for them. We’re literally running out of people who know how to make things that aren’t Minecraft videos and snarky Tweets. Do you remember Trump saying that he wanted to bring good jobs back from overseas? Factory CEOs turned around and told him that those jobs are already here, but vacant.

Why the shortage? Well, corporations cracked down on unions, which lowered wages and led to the perception that manufacturing jobs, even skilled ones, were boring, repetitive positions for lower-class bozos. So colleges started de-emphasizing manufacturing skill sets, and graduates in relevant fields, like mechanics and engineering, started dropping accordingly. The industry is turning to automation, but factories still need employees to install and maintain those machines, and even those employees are missing.

Mixabest*cough*

If you’re a cartoonish conservative stereotype loudly wondering why “America doesn’t build things anymore,” it’s not because of them lousy foreigners. It’s because corporations neglected those jobs, and now nobody wants to do them anymore.

1

We Don’t Have Nearly Enough Pilots To Meet Our Demand For Air Travel

Air travel is perhaps the modern luxury that we most take for granted. It is a damn wonder that we hurtle through the sky at will, but tell that to the tired, grumpy people in economy. Or wait, maybe you won’t have to, because we’re running out of people who know how to operate those magical flying machines, to the point where flights are getting cancelled due to a lack of pilots. Obviously there’s a lot of training required before you can be trusted with the controls of a jet-powered carrier of human lives. In fact, after the crash of Colgan Air Flight 3407 (a disaster partly attributed to insufficient pilot training), the people in charge got together and said, “Hey, maybe we should re-examine how much experience pilots need before we let them take off in these soaring hunks of metal and fire that actively defy God.”

Bureau of Aircraft Accident Archives50 dead bodies do usually lead to some reevaluation.

The result was a whopping 500 percent increase in the amount of flight time required before you can pilot a passenger or cargo plane. That’s great from a safety standpoint. The more experienced the better, right? But the unfortunate side effect is that it’s turned people away from wanting to become pilots in the first place. Those new requirements, and the north of $100,000 price tag that comes along with all that education and training, make simply becoming an accountant and buying a flight simulator look a lot more appealing.

Boeing predicts that over 600,000 pilots are going to be needed over the next 20 years to fill a demand that’s already forced one regional airline into bankruptcy. The aviation industry is trying to respond by offering increased pay and sign-on bonuses, but that’s mucking things up for another industry that needs pilots: the military. In 2017, the Air Force announced a “national aircrew crisis” which left them 1,555 pilots short of what they need, and the best thing you can say about that is that Top Gun 2 might actually be topical.

Check out Dwayne’s Facebook and Twitter accounts, where you can see the famous musicians he interviews for Revue Magazine. T.W. would like you to consider checking out the International Committee of the Red Cross. They do pretty cool stuff. Nathan Kamal lives in Oregon and writes there. He co-founded Asymmetry Fiction for all your fiction needs.

It’s not, NOT worth your time to learn COBOL, here’s a beginner’s book.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25132_5-insanely-important-jobs-were-running-out-people-for.html

Why We’re Terrible At Taking Care Of Our Mental Health

Monty Python once taught us the following neuroscience: “The human brain is like an enormous fish. It is flat, and slimy, and has gills through which it can see.” That obvious bullshit is obvious bullshit. It’s also not much sillier than our own daily treatment of our brains. We know the human brain needs calm, care, and interaction with other humans. So why don’t we give that to our gilled head-fish?

On this week’s episode of The Cracked Podcast, Alex Schmidt sits down with Jason Pargin (aka David Wong) to rediscover brains and the humans carrying them around. They’ll get into why this is the era of bombarding our minds with Snapchats, sleeplessness, and incomplete friendships. They’ll explore the fundamental feedback loops that make us seek out bad habits. And they’ll pick out how you can be aware of your own mental health needs, even if our wider culture wants to trick you into forgetting all about them.

Footnotes:

7 Creepy Ways Corporations Are Turning You Into an Addict (Cracked)

5 Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Own Life (Without Knowing It) (Cracked)

Is Mental Health Declining in the U.S.? (Scientific American Mind)

Why is Facebook admitting that social networks can be bad for our health? (Recode)

Big tech’s bid to control FOIA (Columbia Journalism Review)

This Is the Data Snapchat Doesn’t Want You to See (The Daily Beast)

All that smartphone time may be making teens unhappy (UPI)

Here’s what Rogue One’s Princess Leia looked like without the CGI (SyFy Wire)

Teens’ night-time use of social media ‘risks harming mental health’ (The Guardian)

Tackling the Internet’s Central Villain: The Advertising Business (The New York Times)

How Social Isolation Is Killing Us (New York Times/The Upshot)

Wendy’s is installing self-order kiosks so it can get rid of human workers-and it’s not alone (Splinter)

Sideshow Bob stepping on rakes

The fight over Fight Club (RogerEbert.com)

“You want to know something? We are still in the Dark Ages. The Dark Ages–they haven’t ended yet.” — Kurt Vonnegut, Deadeye Dick

Join us for our next LIVE Cracked Podcast! It’s happening Saturday, February 10th at 7pm. Alex Schmidt is joined by guests Dan Hopper, Amy Nicholson, and Dave Schilling for tales of the most secretly terrifying movies of all time. Tickets are $7 and available HERE.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/podcast/why-were-terrible-at-taking-care-our-mental-health

5 Ways The Universe Is Secretly Sabotaging Your Love Life

Few people go through life without at some point having to face that soul-crushing question “Why am I still single?” The answers range from the painfully obvious — that “MAKE ME A SANDWICH” T-shirt isn’t endearing you to anyone, dude — to the utterly and cosmically inexplicable. Yes, sometimes it’s not you! And according to science, it’s sometimes surprising stuff, like …

5

According To Facebook, You’re 6 Percent More Likely To Be In A Relationship If You Share Dog Photos Instead Of Cat Photos

Look, not that we’re a bunch of crazy cat ladies over here (we totally are), but cats are amazing. They’re ruthless killers, they know how to use a litter box right out of the womb, you never have to take them for walks (unless you’re one of those people), and they freaking evolved to talk to us. And once they’ve gotten all that talking, not-walking, ruthless killing out of their systems for the day, they are excellent cuddlers. What’s not to like?

A lot, if you’re in the habit of showing them off on social media and don’t want to die alone. (Except for all the cats, naturally.)

For some reason, people seem to like dogs better overall, and it goes beyond pet preference. It seems that if a potential significant other likes flaunting their cats online and has no dogs in sight, you’re 6 percent more likely to turn your nose up and move on. The folks at Facebook performed a study (read: they creeped on the profiles of 160,000 people), and determined that 30 percent of people who shared cat photos were single, compared to only 24 percent of dog-photo-sharing people. So maybe you have cat memes to blame for not getting any action between 2009 and 2013.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the Facebook researchers/creeps also found that if you’re a cat person, you’re more likely to be into nerdy stuff like sci-fi and that weird phenomena known as “staying in and reading a book.” Dog folks, like their furry companions, are more likely to be outgoing and be full of something called “energy.” They’re also more likely to be into rom-coms and, extremely weirdly, share the same love of Marley & Me.

FacebookYou’d think cat people would be more into the movie where the poor dog (spoilers) has to put up with Owen Wilson.

But don’t despair, cat folk. While your love life might be statistically more lacking, your friendships, while probably fewer in number, appear to be more fulfilling and meaningful than those of the dog lovers out there. So, you know, suck it.

4

Match.com Says iPhone And Android Users Don’t Mingle (And A Broken Phone Screen Makes You Deeply Unsexy To Women)

We have a lot of things we look for in a potential partner — religion, politics, stances on perpetuating the species, how excited they are for the next season of Venture Bros, and so on. People use these things to determine compatibility with a person before sharing DNA with them, and rightfully so. After all, how can you spend the rest of your life with someone who has ideologies directly opposed to your own? Like, what if you get married, but then it turns out their phone isn’t exactly like yours?

It might sound completely ridiculous (it is), but this issue is a much larger foam noodle in the dating pool than one might think. According to a Match.com survey of 5,500 unhitched Americans, Android users are 15 times more likely to think less of iPhone users, and iPhone users are 21 times more likely to look down their noses at lowly Android users. Windows Phone users were presumably too busy drowning in sex to answer the survey (just kidding, they don’t exist).

SinglesInAmericaApple fans will see this as further evidence that the iPhone has better performance.

Oh, and if you’re a shmuck who has the audacity to own an older model? Then you’re an entire 56 percent less likely to catch a smooch buddy. And gods forbid you’re a dude with a cracked screen, because freaking 86 percent of women will judge you more harshly for it. You complete wreck of a human being, you.

Like we said, this is ridiculous. We’d like to believe the human race isn’t so incredibly petty, but those are the raw numbers. Our advice? Let’s go back to judging people for the important stuff, like whether they load their toilet paper front-facing or not.

3

Pretty People Are Simply Not Hardwired To Be In Lasting Relationships, Says A Harvard Study

One of the fairy tales repeatedly shoved down our throats since birth is that pretty people get all the happy endings. The beautiful princess gets the handsome prince, and while some shenanigans might happen, they eventually go off into the sunset all happily ever after like. Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, all the plain (or just plain ugly) folks are shackled and shoved off into jail or something.

But not so fast, beautiful ones. In reality, your roguish good looks have doomed you to a life of singleness, or so claim some people from Harvard. In a study titled Attractiveness and relationship longevity: Beauty is not what it is cracked up to be, researchers asked women to rate the attractiveness of 130 celebrities and 238 regular schmucks. In both cases, it turned out that the subjects deemed most desirable were “more likely to divorce” and also “married for shorter durations.” (Hmmm, perhaps there’s a correlation between those two things?)

The Independent“This couple didn’t even stay together past this photo shoot.” “Uh, we’re models.” “Exactly.”

But why would being good-looking make you bad at relationships? Well, previous studies had found that when we’re committed to a partner, we see other people as less attractive. This is your brain’s way of making sure you stick to your relationships. But the Harvard researchers believe that attractive people don’t have this “protective bias.” To demonstrate their theory, they asked 130 people to rate the sexiness of someone of the opposite gender. And what do you know, the prettier raters were more likely to have the hots for the people they were rating, but “only if they (themselves) were in a relationship.” It’s like nature is pushing them to go out and share their beautiful DNA with as many people as possible, eventual legal costs be damned.

Of course, none of this information is as surprising as the fact that Harvard apparently has a whole wing devoted to Tinder Studies.

2

The State You Live In Can Significantly Affect The Quality Of Your Romantic Relationships, Claims A Nationwide Study

Love sprouts anywhere there are at least two warm bodies of the same species, right? From the frigid Antarctic to the harsh daily sauna that is the Sahara Desert, people will always find ways to make whoopee. After all, it all comes down to a bunch of long-named chemicals. You’d think it wouldn’t matter where you were; you’re bound to find a willing participant in the dance of love.

Well, you’d be wrong, at least partially. It turns out that, at least in the United States, it actually does matter where you live. In a nationwide study conducted by Michigan State University, it was found that if you live in the frontier region, the Mid-Atlantic, or the Northeast, you are more likely to have attachment avoidance or attachment anxiety. Basically, this means that if you live in more mountainous regions, you’re more likely to be of the loner variety, while living in or near cities makes you a bit clingier and probably paranoid that your bae will leave you for one of the many other possible baes in your area. So if you want to have a healthy relationship that’s generally free of standoffish or clingy behavior, science says you’re gonna fare best in Mississippi, Utah, or Wisconsin. In the study, those states were tied up for first place in a pleasant threesome of romantic satisfaction and health.

Meanwhile, North Dakota was deemed the worst state for love …

Jennifer Z/Wiki CommonsAnd most things, generally speaking.

… followed by Kentucky, Kansas, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Ohio, South Carolina, Colorado, New York, and Indiana. But don’t worry, the authors of the study encourage readers not to move out of wherever they are. In the conclusion, they state: “To a certain degree, positive relationships are found everywhere and transcend time and place. After all, home is where the heart is.” Awwww. (But seriously, get the hell out of North Dakota, especially if you’re planning to get old.)

1

Dating Apps Make You Think There Are Always Lots Of Potential Partners For You, So You End Up Going For None (Or “The Paradox Of Choice”)

Ah, dating apps. It seems like no matter how many we sign up for, no matter how many people we’re matched with, we can’t seem to muster up the courage to send a message. But what a bunch of good-looking candidates, right? We may be all alone now, but at any time, when we’re ready to get within touching distance of another human specimen, we could snag a date with a suave stranger and hitch a ride to romance town.

Well, guess what? It’s that very same perception that there are entire schools of fish in the sea that might be holding you back in the real world. As GQ editor Ashley Fetters says, “There’s an illusion of plentifulness. It makes it look like the world is full of more single, eager people than it probably is.” She goes on to describe hitting it off with dudes at bars, only to shy away when it comes to sharing numbers because she “could also just go on Tinder.” Sound familiar? It’s what psychologists call the paradox of choice. In one famous experiment, only 3 percent of shoppers bought jam from a table offering 24 samples, while 30 percent bought jam from another table with just six samples. Online dating is kind of like that, only with far less jam.

Oh, and it turns out our preoccupation with quickly judging a person based on their sexiness quotient isn’t exactly healthy either. A study by the University of Kansas suggests that constant swiping is messing up our ability to make real connections with other human beings. After splitting 130 people into three separate groups, they found that, essentially, after having an actual conversation with a person, our perception of physical attractiveness goes up.

TinderSide note: Why do all these studies pick 130 people? Has 69 been dethroned as “the sex number”?

So we’re back to some very basic advice that many of us are still learning: Stop judging people based on their looks. Do that weird thing called “talking and finding mutual interests, like maybe you both really can’t live without a dice bag and the special hardcover version of Xanathar’s Guide To Everything” or something. Just go be people. We’ll be over here, encouraging you from our dank cat cave with the applause emoji on our broken Android screens.

Friendly reminder that your cat doesn’t know what Valentine’s Day is and will just assume you’re worshipping them as per usual if you get them a new cat tree.

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Kourtney Kardashian Is Starting A Beauty Line With A Terrible Name

is not only the name of a reality TV show, but it’s also a hobby that’s growing to be a bigger pain in the ass by the day. The enigmatic pregnancies have taken a toll on my mental health already—like, Kris, IS KYLIE PREGNANT, YES OR NO?! At this rate, we’ll never fucking know until Kylie instagrams her newborn in a pile of lip kits or something. Meanwhile, in this midst of this insanity, it turns out yet *another* Kardashian is looking to make millions off of us beauty products. Yes, you should start prepping your bank account now.

The newest addition to the cosmetics industry looks like it could very well be the one and only health freak queen, Kourtney. According to TMZ, they’ve “learned” Kourtney has filed some legal docs to trademark the name, “Kourt.” V Inspiring, just like her constant use of one-word answers. Apparently, she filed these under her company’s name, “2DIE4KOURT,” which sounds like it could’ve been her first screen name, but either way, it sounds like a straight-up ~mood~ for an upcoming beauty mogul.

The documents are reportedly filed under the “Goods and Services” category, but the exact products are still unknown. Shocking. It doesn’t help that Kourt (yes, we’re on a nickname basis) posted this v mysterious picture on her Insta story, featuring different logos next to a Kylie Cosmetics pen and pad:

So, is she making her own makeup? Maybe a skincare line? Collaborating with King Kylie on some lip kits? Kendall, Khloé, do you have anything you’d like to share with the group? Who fucking knows.

What we *do* know is, it’ll probably be like, some healthy, natural, gluten-free shit to justify buying something that will cost like, 10 times what Colourpop sells it for. I’ll most likely be first in line on the day of this launch, so rest assured I’ll keep you guys posted.

 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/kourtney-kardashian-may-be-starting-makeup-line

5 Crazy Stories From The Early Days Of Disneyland

As we’ve mentioned many times in the past, your favorite purveyor of childhood memories and nostalgia isn’t as wholesome as you like to think. From sidelining Mickey Mouse’s true creator to backstabbing Robin Williams, there are plenty of whimsical cartoon skeletons in Disney’s closet, and we aren’t done airing them all. You can blame our broken childhood, penchant for fun-ruining, or plain old spite, but it’s a drug that we can’t kick. So let us tell you about …

5

The Pirates Of The Caribbean Ride Was (And Might Still Be) Decorated With Real Skeletons

Think fast, what’s your favorite ride at Disneyland, and why are you lying about it not being Pirates of the Caribbean? It might have resulted in Johnny Depp’s career being extended way beyond its natural lifespan, sure, but it’s so cool, what with the waterfalls and the pirates and the cannons and the real desiccated skulls laying everywhere.

Kidding. They aren’t “everywhere” anymore. There are only a few left in the ride … they think.

You see, when the ride was built in 1967, it cost $105 million — a sum that went into making PotC the most in every way possible, from the animatronics to lighting to special effects to puffy shirts. According to a book by former Disney producer Jason Surrell, the only problem they had was finding decorative skeletons that didn’t look like they’d spent the best part of the last century sitting in your grandma’s attic. Utilizing the sort of ingenuity that lands you the job of designing theme park rides, the team hit up some friends at UCLA Medical Center and asked if they wouldn’t mind handing out some medical specimens.

Joe Penniston/FlickrYou know, for the kids.

And it worked! The ride was a smash hit with park patrons, who probably weren’t aware that they were now subject to the dumbest curse imaginable. Over time, the skeletons were replaced with better-looking replicas and given a proper burial. Or at least, most of them were. Maybe. Although it’s hard to say for sure, there’s reason to believe that there are still a few genuine body parts occupying the ride, identifiable thanks to the fact that they look a lot more … discolored than the fakes, and also possess anatomical features that it’s doubtful model makers would have bothered to include.

Harsh Light/FlickrHint: It’s the one that got turned into a freaking bed.

It’s hard to confirm these as real without security attempting to turn you into a human pinata, but the legends might be true about there being a disembodied head at Disneyland, folks. We all just made the mistake of thinking that it was Walt’s.

4

You Could Fly To Disneyland By Helicopter … Until Two Crashed In The Same Year, Killing 44 People

Driving to Disneyland with a car full of children is an experience equal to journeying through the nine circles of Hell, except we don’t remember The Divine Comedy making reference to anyone having to poop at the world’s dirtiest truck stop.

It’s not like the good ol’ days, when tourists were able to beat the crowds entirely and fly straight into the park, courtesy of a frequent helicopter shuttle provided by Los Angeles Airways. Visitors could fly from LAX to a heliport built near the park (and back again) in a little under 20 minutes, all for the princely sum of $4. Alongside luxury and the obligatory cocaine-like ego boost that riding anywhere in a helicopter provides, riders were also able to experience a breathtaking view of the park that few have seen since those halcyon days … albeit for a very good reason.

Disney History InstituteAnd no, sadly it wasn’t something like “awful complimentary peanuts.”

In May 1968, a shuttle carrying 20 passengers and three crew crashed en route to LAX from Disneyland after encountering mechanical difficulties. Whilst flying over the city, witnesses reported that the helicopter started lurching uncontrollably. Although the crew attempted to lighten the load by throwing cargo over the side, their efforts to reduce how badly gravity was trying to screw them were proven to be for naught by the helicopter suddenly nosediving into the ground. Everyone aboard was killed, in what was deemed the then-worst civilian helicopter disaster in U.S. history. Unfortunately, there was about to be competition in that department.

Disney History Institute“Welp, at least this is never, ever happening again.”

In the aftermath of the accident, it was found that a single missing bolt had caused the rotor blades to essentially dismantle themselves in midair. You’d expect such a failure with the needing-to-have-working-rotors-in-order-to-not-kill-a-bunch-of-people machines to cause the fleet to be grounded while they were checked for problems, and they were. It’s too bad that almost immediately after service was resumed, the same freaking thing happened again.

In August 1968, only three months after the first crash, a copter travelling from LAX to Disneyland carrying 18 passengers and three crew dropped out of the sky from a height of 1,500 feet after, you guessed it, the rotor blades separated from the craft. All 21 people aboard were killed in what was probably the then-second-worst civilian helicopter disaster in U.S. history, including the grandchild of the CEO of Los Angeles Airways. The service was grounded again, and the ensuing lawsuits, legal costs, and strike actions shuttered the shuttle — which, let’s face it, was probably just as well at that point.

3

Disneyland Used To Have “Real” Mermaids (Swimming Near Razor-Sharp Propellers)

In building Disneyland, Walt Disney strived for a level of immersion just shy of hallucinogenic. Nothing in the park — nothing — could remind his guests that they were paying crazy amounts of money to ride average-ish fairground rides and cheer as their kids kicked a costumed performer in the groin. This is the same philosophy that resulted in a supervillain-esque tunnel complex being built beneath the park (although we’re not sure where the communal underwear fits into this).

So when the time came to build a mermaid lagoon to drive submarines into, you can bet that Uncle Walt made damn sure that they were the most mermaid-y-acting mermaids money could buy, up to and including their willingness to damn near shear their faces off.

In 1959, Disneyland opened Submarine Voyage, a ride which allowed visitors to experience what it was like to ride in a submarine and journey through the briny depths of the oceans, including seeing sea monsters and mermaids. Of course, we don’t mean real mermaids, because as you know, Disney wouldn’t go into genetic engineering until they created Justin Timberlake in the ’90s. We’re talking about starfish-bra-wearing, fake-tail-clad women who made an easy $45 a week by swimming in the waters of the ride and sunning themselves on a rock, to the delight of onlookers. As it happens, however, the ride’s submarines used real propellers for authenticity, and so the mermaids would frequently have to worry about being sucked into and vaporized by the blasted thing.

Santa Monica PressOn the upside, if the propeller chopped off their legs, they could probably charge extra for the added authenticity.

Being half-naked women having fun in the sun, the mermaids would also have to contend with lecherous dudes jumping the fence and swimming out to them, presumably in the hope of fertilizing their eggs. That is, when they weren’t showering the mermaids in dollars bills and rolls of quarters like dancers at the world’s happiest/weirdest strip joint. The problems with male guests, as well as the general dangers of asking people to swim in a dirty pool of flotsam, jetsam, and razor blades, eventually convinced Disney to call quits on this one and stick to cartoon merfolk.

2

The CIA Advised Walt Disney On Preventing The Government From Meddling With Disney World

Not too long ago, we told you about how Disney World is, legally speaking, a secessionist state outside of the reach of the guvmit and its unfair insistence on rules and stuff. It’s a pretty weird arrangement for what is essentially a high-class Chuck E. Cheese’s, but how did it come to be in the first place? We’re pretty sure that though Walt Disney was an eccentric motherflipper, he had better things to do than host a coup d’etat. Well, that’s partially correct, in that he didn’t have the time — no, he palmed the job off to the CIA, who were more than happy to help. They had experience in this sort of thing, after all.

After he’d finished purchasing the land for their proposed park, Disney was left with more than 40 square miles under his company’s control. Eager to keep as much of that out of the government’s grasping mitts as possible, Disney teamed up with William Donovan (also known as the “Father of the CIA”) and Paul Helliwell (a lawyer who was part of efforts to overthrow Fidel Castro) to help build, lest we remind you, a cartoon-character-filled theme park.

Florida Development CommissionDespot Center was later renamed EPCOT.

So how do you solve a problem like government oversight? Oh, that’s easy: You create two ghost cities (the City of Bay Lake and the City of Lake Buena Vista) and populate them with your own workers, who, in exchange for certain privileges, agree to run the town in whatever way their corporate overlords want. Under this arrangement, Disney gets what it wants (freedom from the state, zero taxation, exemption from environmental regulations, maybe a goat sacrifice or two), and the workers get what they want, i.e. to live next to Disney World and line-cutting privileges at Space Mountain.

There are some pesky issues with this, namely that it violates certain parts of the Constitution and requires that all workers toe the line politically unless they want to be homeless. But that’s a small price to pay for wholesome, family-friendly fun, right?

1

A Former Nazi Interrogator Made The Mosaics In Cinderella’s Castle

As anyone who has ever undergone a midlife change in career knows, that stuff is hard to pull off. There’s all the doubt about whether you did the right thing, the constant line of questioning about why your old place was so bad, and the general confusion that comes from, say, spending 50 years as a coal miner, only to take up fluffing. For Hanns Scharff, however, it was a pretty easy, stress-free decision to move into the illustrious world of designing the mosaics that adorn Disneyland and EPCOT. After all, his previous job was “Nazi interrogator.” And no, we don’t mean that he interrogated Nazis.

During World War II, Scharff served as an interrogator with the Luftwaffe, tasked with dredging information out of captured Allied pilots and other POWs. He only managed to avoid being assigned a shift as a gallows tester at Nuremberg because he was one of those rare interrogators who didn’t like hurting people. He’d only fallen into the job butt-first after his superiors were wiped out in a (non-Disney-related) plane accident, not because of any raging bloodlust. Consequently, he wasn’t totally down on beating people, figuring that there must be a better way, gosh dang it. Even if he was working for the actual Nazis and all.

Scharff found that “better way” in the art of manipulating minds. Instead of strapping pilots to chairs and electrowiring their nuts, Scharff would simply let his newfound friends talk. One of his favorite gambits was to use his extensive intelligence network to build up a complete picture of each pilot and then lord his superior knowledge over them, making sure to get certain pieces of information wrong. His prisoners, desperate to one-up him, would then correct him, not knowing that they’d given him the information that he needed.

Schiffer Publishing, Ltd.If you ever wondered what would happen if Mr. Rogers was in a teleporter accident with Hitler, there you go.

His success rate was also helped by his habit of taking his prisoners on long walks through the local woodland, where they would share cigarettes, frolic, and talk about, like, home and the war and stuff that in a parallel universe lost them the war. Scharff would also arrange other experiences for his guests: dining with high command, visiting the local zoo, enjoying baked goods provided by Scharff’s wife, and so on. It was pretty much how you’d get a toddler to spill war secrets. One prisoner was even afforded the opportunity to fly a Messerschmitt fighter plane, albeit one with little to no fuel and no machine guns. Scharff was kind, but he wasn’t as gullible and easily manipulated as, um, our guys.

Despite being a foot soldier for history’s great evil, Scharff was well-respected by his prisoners, and come the end of the war, he was able to hit up some of his old contacts for advice about moving to the United States. Once there, he discovered his true passion: mosaic art. He established a workshop in New York City. His business booming, he subsequently moved to California, where he was soon contracted to decorate Cinderella’s Castle and EPCOT. It’s all well and good stealing Nazis for NASA, but did they ever make a child smile? We think not.

From Screen to Theme
From Screen to ThemeJust, you know, try not to mention any state secrets near here.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should totally subscribe to. It’s really good, honest.

Mermaid tails are actually pretty heavy-duty gear and you do not want to be sucked into a propeller while wearing one.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25274_5-crazy-stories-from-early-days-disneyland.html

Donald Trump’s 6 Very Real, Very Insane Tips For A Good Life

Whatever you make of him politically, there’s no denying that Donald Trump has been alive for a long, long time. That is literally the least that we can give him. So it stands to reason that he must know something — that he must have some standards or guidelines by which a person can live their life. What a rich source of lifestyle advice he would be, if only he’d share this with us. If only he could find some time in his day to talk about himself.

Oh, it turns out he can.

6

Never Let Go Of Your Grudges

Much of Trump’s life can be defined by the grudges he’s held. Nobody thinks about Rosie O’Donnell that much under normal circumstances. “When people treat me unfairly, I don’t let them forget it,” he told reporters during his presidential campaign in 2016. It doesn’t seem to matter that he’s often wealthier or more powerful than the people he’s holding grudges against. That’s not the point. The point is the revenge itself. “If people screw you, screw them back 10 times as hard,” he explained in 2011.

Media organizations he doesn’t like suddenly find themselves blacklisted from campaign rallies and press briefings. One failed business deal in Mexico, and later he’s ranting about how most Mexicans are “rapists” who “bring in drug and crime.” When he won the Republican presidential primary in 2016, he took almost no steps toward reconciliation with his former foes, instead dishing out insults left and right to people he no longer needed to attack. And when Puerto Rico was stricken by a hurricane this summer, Trump dedicated a lot more effort than “none at all, are you crazy?” to a running feud with the mayor of San Juan.

Joe Raedle/Getty ImagesHmm … theres a Puerto Rican I dont get along with. Better screw over three million of them so she knows it.

When NFL players began kneeling during the national anthem, Trump didn’t just criticize the players like most conservative commentators; he focused a lot of his rage on the NFL itself, calling it weak and out of control. Which doesn’t make a ton of sense … until you realize that Trump has long held a grudge against the league for refusing to let him buy a team in the 1980s. And when he tried to buy the Bills in 2014, only to get outbid, he reacted the only way he knows how: with shockingly petty tweets about how boring the league was.

And then there’s the massive grudge he holds toward his predecessor, Barack Obama. Trump spent quite a bit of Obama’s first term cheerleading the birther movement because of, well … let’s say his passion for birth certificate formatting quirks. For some reason, he then attended the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. There, Obama lit into him. For a solid two and a half minutes, Trump could do nothing more than slowly rock back and forth, tight-lipped, while Obama dished out insult after insult. The guy’s probably never had to sit through anything like that before, and the psychic impact it’s made on him can’t be underestimated. If you’re ever in any doubt about the motivations behind Trump’s actions as president, know that he’ll always do the opposite of whatever Obama would, be that building a health plan, entering the Paris Accords, or reading.

5

Decorate Like A Dictator

Being wealthy is great. You should definitely be born into that if you can. But it’s not enough on it’s own. You have to let people know you’re wealthy, so they know you’re better than them, and to go fetch you food and pelts. You can do that by shouting at them all the time (and you should; never stop shouting), but when your voice gets tired, or they simply get too far away, you’ll need something else. You’ll need to let your surroundings do the talking for you.

Which brings us the Trumpian aesthetic. The author of a book called Dictator Style identified a number of key design traits featured in the residences of most famous dictators: overly ornate decorations, big swinging chandeliers, marble everything, mismatched French furniture, that kind of thing. Decor which shouted wealth but not class, none of it presented with any kind of design or stylistic intent. And when this author saw pictures of Trump’s penthouse in Manhattan, he saw the same thing there. Vanity Fair even ran a side by side comparison of one of Trump’s mansions and a palace used by Saddam Hussein, and the similarities were not hard to find.

Vanity FairIts the aesthetic equivalent of shouting.

But The Donald does have one decorating quirk all his own: the desire to hang up obviously fake things, like this cover of Time that was proudly framed in five of his golf courses.

Angel Valentin/The Washington PostIt seems this was during Times brief First day using MS Paint series of covers.

It is completely fake. There was no Time issue printed on the date on the cover, and Trump was never on the cover of Time during the year it was supposedly made. And that’s not the only fake thing at his golf courses. Consider this sign:

Rob Carr / Getty ImagesAnd it is our great honor to do a modest amount of research to check if this is true.

Yeah, that’s fake too. Historians who know the area have no idea what battle took place there, and have never heard it referred to as the River of Blood.

Years ago, Trump’s biographer was interviewing the man on one of his presumably marble-coated personal jets. Hanging on the wall of the plane was a painting, a Renoir.

Pierre-Auguste RenoirSpecifically, the most famous painting by Renoir, which apparently no one is keeping track of.

The biographer knew this painting, and knew that the original was in a gallery in Chicago. But Trump insisted that this was the original, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He didn’t get rid of it after being called out, either. The thing showed up on the background of an interview with his wife after his campaign victory.

Fox NewsNice to add a splash of color to the uniformly gold room of horror.

4

Eat Fast Food And Nothing But Fast Food

Every celebrity lifestyle guide is at least 50 percent bizarre ultra-healthy diet tips — exotic grains, free-range kale, and egg white omelets all prepared by their aboriginal spirit-nutritionist, Klevin. Trump’s guide would have a similar section, but y’know, the total opposite.

First, let’s discuss his taste in steaks: well-done, with a side of ketchup, which the flavor experts among you will recognize as “not optimal.” We’re talking steaks so well-done they used to “rock when they hit the plate.” Now look, elitism is shitty, in food and all other things.

Trump SteaksCase in point.

Not everyone likes their steaks mooing, so if a guy likes to eat his steak well-done, that’s fine. It’s fine.

The ketchup is a little much, though.

The other staple of the Trump diet: the 2,400-calorie McDonald’s meals he’s been known to consume. That’s multiple Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, and chocolate shakes. Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza, and Diet Coke reportedly make up the rest of his diet, and if that describes yours as well, congratulations on already thinking like a billionaire, I guess?

McDonandsThough maybe we should make time for the Friends dont let friends order Filet-O-Fish talk.

There’s an interesting explanation for this love for overcooked meats and salt: Trump is a germaphobe. Imagine how risky an acai root indigenous power bowl or something would look to him, all covered in fruits and grains and stuff that clearly once touched the earth, all prepared by someone with their hands. You could then see the appeal of mass-produced, pre-packaged foods. Not if you think it through at all, but if you took a cursory glance at those two options, and you were absolutely certain that the first thought that entered your head was always 100 percent factually indisputably correct for all time, forever and ever, amen, you might see where he’s coming form.

3

Be Born With Superior Genes

If you had to pick the perfect human, the one person whose intelligence, grace, and physical attractiveness surpassed all others, it’d be Donald Trump, right?

Well, there’s a reason for that. Trump has good genes, as he’ll tell you himself. It’s part of his so-called “racehorse theory of life,” which states that some people are bred to succeed, thanks to the genetic material provided by their parents. We’re not reaching here. He brings up his genes all the time. His health? Excellent, thanks for asking, and a result of his good genes. Same thing with his energy! Luck? He was born with it! He once even said he had a genetic gift for real estate development, which … scientists are not really rushing to confirm.

Pawel Marynowski/Wikimedia CommonsInvestors, either.

Anything positive that his family does is proof of the same genetic greatness. He regularly mentions his uncle who went to MIT. His granddaughter, who’s learning Mandarin, is more proof of Trumpian greatness. His kids have inherited the belief too. Here’s his son going on about his incredible genes, including his mother’s fictitious Olympic skiing background.

This kind of thinking is a little troubling, especially when we consider another famous political movement obsessed with superior genes. Yes, it’s usually hyperbolic to compare people you disagree with to Nazis. But not when they actually believe what Nazis believe. To the millions of Americans who might not have perfect genes, it is a little disturbing that their president said, “‘All men are created equal.’ Well, it’s not true.”

Remember this?

CNN

That would be the president doing an impression of a disabled reporter. It was a joke, but you know, not a “ha ha” one. And he now sets policy for disabled Americans!

2

Fill Everything With Asbestos

Asbestos was once used as a fireproofing agent, because it is extremely effective in that role. It also causes cancer, and is extremely effective at that as well. But for some reason (it’s probably money), Donald Trump has only ever really cared about that first bullet point. In his 1997 book, he suggested the drive to remove asbestos was led by the mafia, which controlled the asbestos removal business. In his view, asbestos was “100 percent safe, once applied,” which is true about undisturbed asbestos. But it does have a nasty habit of getting disturbed, which lowers the safety level a few (dozen) percentage points.

Mark Wilson/Getty ImagesOf course, that assumes you take safety advice from qualified scientists. Trump is having none of that.

Which is why for a few decades now, we’ve had regulations mandating asbestos use and treatment. This makes it a giant and expensive pain in the ass for anyone who owns buildings, e.g. Donald Trump. And seeing as Trump isn’t a huge fan of spending his own money and also has a casual relationship with facts, you can probably now deduce how he’s taken this position. On that note, he was once sued in the 1990s by Polish construction workers who claimed they were exposed to asbestos dust without protective equipment. But that’s probably a coincidence.

Anyways, whether it’s science, regulations, or angry Poles, nothing has ever changed The Donald’s mind. He still loves asbestos, and is even on the record suggesting that it could have prevented the World Trade Center towers from collapsing on 9/11. He was even on Twitter about it, because he’s been on Twitter about everything. Whatever the opposite of a grudge is, Donald Trump has it for asbestos. Which means that if you want to be a winner, you’re going to need a carcinogen of your own to love.

RealDonaldTrump/Twitter#science

1

Exercise And Sleep Are For Losers

On the subject of exercise, Donald Trump has a very hot take: don’t. He believes that a person is like a battery, with a fixed amount of energy, and that unnecessary exercise uses that energy up. He’s even mocked others for exercising. When he found out that one of his executives was training for a triathlon, he told the man he’d “die young because of this.”

This lines up pretty neatly with the exact opposite of what scientists say, which is that while exercise might temporarily reduce your energy, it strengthens your body, thus allowing it to be stronger and store more energy in the future. You already knew that because you went to gym class once or read anything about food ever. But who are you going to trust? Scientists and common sense? Or a winner with confusing ideas about batteries?

And then there’s the matter of sleep. For a long time, Trump has claimed that he gets very little of it, from 90 minutes to four hours a night. You should probably do the same. And what can you expect to do with all that extra time you’ll have, being exhausted and grumpy? Well, if you want to be like Trump, you’ll makes deals and plot revenge.

New York MagazineEverybody knows 3 a.m. is the ideal time to sit awake, sharpening a dagger and reciting the names of everyone whos ever wronged you. Thats Business 101.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends seven hours or more of sleep per day for an adult, which suggests that Trump has been wrecking his body and mind for decades now. Come to think of it, that does jive with a few things we’ve seen in the news …

Get a leg up on Donald Trump’s granddaughter and start learning Mandarin yourself with Rosetta Stone.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25428_donald-trumps-6-very-real-very-insane-tips-good-life.html

6 Unpredictable Dangers Of Being An Atheist

Are you an atheist? If so, that’s totally cool. We don’t have any fake hundred-dollar bills to give you which reveal that “true wealth comes from the Lord” when they unravel. However, we do have some rough news: While a lot of people act like atheism is shunning the responsibility that comes with religion in order to waste time wearing black clothes and getting to third base with unmarried demons or whatever, it actually means taking up a few unforeseen hardships. For example …

6

Everyone Thinks Atheists Are Immoral — Even Atheists

Let’s start with the fact that everyone apparently thinks atheists are the scum of the Earth, according to many surveys. I don’t particularly believe in God myself, so I’m just as disappointed by this news as anyone. And while I’d love to hold this up as an example of believers being jerks, those same polls show that even atheists hate and mistrust other atheists. Even we can’t wrap our heads around the idea of someone having a moral code without a higher power to enforce it.

To determine how this anti-atheist bias works, researchers asked 3,000 people in 13 countries the most reasonable question ever: “If there was a person who used to torture animals as a child, then they grew up and became a teacher who murdered a bunch of homeless dudes, would you figure this person was an atheist or religious?” I wish that was my joke, because it’s kind of awesome, but it’s not. That’s literally the question they asked. And across the whole study, people were twice as likely to suspect the killer of being an atheist. Even atheists believed the person was more likely to be an atheist. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure I had that teacher for art history.

In a second study which polled Canadians and Americans, participants were asked to imagine a hit-and-run driver fleeing after hitting a parked car, then later finding a wallet and stealing all the money. What a shitberg. They then asked participants if said shitberg was more likely to be a teacher, an atheist teacher, or a rapist teacher. Your first inclination here might be to wonder why, in both this example and the previous one, all the shitbergs are teachers. Maybe people aren’t biased against atheists as much as they just hate teachers. The second takeaway here is that yes, people suspected the driver of being an atheist over a rapist. Over a goddamn rapist. Come on.

5

Atheism Is Still Political Suicide

If the year 2017 taught you nothing else about politics, it should be that politics is worse than having a hedgehog chew a hole through one of your kidneys. We’ve experienced financial tomfuckery, sexual harassment and assault, enough lies to choke a circus elephant, and more childish insults than a roast battle at a daycare. People the world over will officially tolerate anything from politicians — except atheism.

In the grand scheme of things people hate from their elected officials, it looks like atheism is getting close to the last straw. 37 percent of people would be less likely to vote for a politician who’d had an affair, and 41 percent would be less likely to vote for one who’d had financial problems, but 51 percent would be less likely to vote for an atheist. A bankrupt philanderer could become president if he claimed to be Christian. Can you imagine? What a world, am I right?

A Gallup poll suggests that 58 percent of Americans would be willing to vote for an atheist candidate, and while that number sounds promising, the polls also show that only a socialist would have less support, at 47 percent, and a Muslim candidate would have 60 percent support, while a gay candidate comes in at 74 percent. So for the socialists/atheists out there who were hoping for a like-minded government some day, it looks like we’ll probably be colonizing Mars before that happens.

4

Atheists Make Everyone Think Of Death

If you’re a religious sort of person, what comes to mind when you think of atheists? Is it some smug Richard Dawkins kind of guy trying to explain the miracle of magnets to you with so-called science? Or is it the cold, grim hand of death? Bet it’s that second one. And also that first one. But mostly that second one, since atheists just make everyone think of the Reaper, apparently. This, as you can imagine, does not improve people’s attitudes toward them.

Researchers found this out via studies that began with putting subjects in a morbid mindset with questions like “What’s going to happen to you after you die?” and “How many explosive charges do you think you could plant in your own butt before using a Slip ‘N Slide becomes a fatal mistake?” (Paraphrasing — they were all about death, is the point.) Another group was asked dark but non-death-related questions.

Everyone was then asked their opinions on Quakers and atheists. As expected, everyone thought the first group were just smug-ass oatmeal jockeys, and had much darker thoughts about the second one. But while there were negative views on atheists across the board, the subjects who were focusing thinking about death really, really hated them.

A second study just had people do some fill-in-the-blanks fun after being asked to think about atheism, pain, or death. The atheism and death crowd both filled in their blanks with that gloomy, morose shit, with the study concluding that the very idea of atheism is existentially threatening to a ton of people. So if you’re an atheist and you find yourself on the shit end of some evangelical hatred, it’s only because your entire being threatens not just that person’s existence, but their entire understanding of said existence. You literally cause people to question the fabric of their reality. Good for you! But before we go patting ourselves on the back too hard …

3

Atheists Aren’t As Open-Minded As You’d Think

If you had to guess who is more open-minded between atheists and religious folk, you’d probably choose atheists without even putting much thought into it. “Conservative” tends to be synonymous with “religious,” and “liberal” goes hand in hand with “atheist,” right? Well hold onto your non-denominational butts, because it looks like there are some circumstances in which atheists tend to be more rigidly dogmatic than their happy Christian counterparts.

Now, don’t go writing letters to your congressperson about what a lying asshole I am, because odds are they’re probably more of a lying asshole anyway. Plus I’m Canadian, so I can abuse whatever narrative I want in the U.S. and no one can stop me, save a very skilled and unceasingly polite beaver and syrup technician. But I’m also citing a study which does support the notion that when “it came to subtly measured inclination to integrate views that were diverging and contrary to one’s own perspectives, it was the religious who showed more openness.”

Does this mean gay people are going to be way more welcome at Roy Moore’s Evangelical Jamboree and Sidewalk Sale? Probably not. The point of the study was mostly to show that close-mindedness is not the exclusive purview of the religious, and that atheists can actually become so dogmatic in their disbelief that anything that challenges that lack of belief will be met with more rigidity than information which may challenge the beliefs of someone who is religious. In short, everyone loves to put their fingers in their ears and yell “Nuh-uh, I can’t hear youuuuu” sometimes.

2

Atheists Are More Prone To Addiction

When you hit high school, a whole new world opens up to you, in which super cool kids who wear leather jackets and use switchblade combs offer you beers and cigarettes and that wicked electric lettuce. Will you give in to peer pressure, or will you remain stalwart and square? What makes you more likely to choose one over the other? Fear of divine retribution, apparently.

Studies of both Swiss and Mexican / Mexican American youth have shown that those who have a religious affiliation benefit from a protective effect when it comes to substance abuse. Religiosity is associated with less use of alcohol, tobacco, or marijuana … despite the fact that even the godless teens grew up in a world full of anti-drug PSAs and preachy sitcom episodes.

Numerous studies show that if a religious or spiritual community expresses direct prohibitions and limitations against use or abuse, the followers are probably going to go along. This may not just be about fearing eternal hellfire; it could also be that simply having a community of like-minded people provides a sense of acceptance and belonging. That support group means you’re less likely to want some sweet Schnapps for breakfast, and also they’ll be able to help you resist it if/when you do.

1

Atheists Just Might Die Sooner

There’s evidence to suggest that religious people who regularly attend church have a longer lifespan than people who don’t, like your friendly neighborhood atheist. So the people who believe there’s something after life have to wait longer to find out than the people who don’t, on average. That’s a final insult for someone — you just need to decide for whom.

A study of 75,000 middle-aged nurses in the United States showed that participants who regularly attended church services over a 20-year period, as in once a week, had a 33 percent lower risk of dying during the study period than those who didn’t. Jesus saves! Maybe!

The thing to keep in mind with this research is that it isn’t exclusively faith that’s keeping anyone alive. The same data shows that countries that are much more religious overall, such as places in Sub-Saharan Africa, still have much higher mortality rates than the U.S. Conversely, more secular nations like Japan have higher life expectancy overall. So what’s the point? It’s in the difference between the two.

People who are not religious in the U.S. are, as every other entry here shows, walking piles of rapidly steaming shit in the eyes of everyone else. Atheists are the gangly, body-odor-laden children of the Babadook. That special brand of ostracism places atheists, by and large, outside of social involvement. If you’re not trusted as a politician, if you’re not as able to engage in charitable and community outreach projects because most of them are organized by churches and religious groups, if people assume you’re a rapist teacher, then you don’t have that same support base as religious people. On average, you don’t have the encouragement of others, or a ton of organized people who will take an interest in your welfare. And you would if you lived in a predominately secular nation, where many of these community groups are also secular and atheists are more accepted as part of the community.

Is the conclusion here that religious people are inadvertently killing atheists? I never said that, and neither did you. Not even sure who typed that sentence. But you can conclude that in a nation that leans more toward religion, those who do not partake have social disadvantages that the majority does not take into account. The majority just wants them to burn in a Hell they don’t even believe in, which they’ll get to slightly earlier.

Nothing wrong with being a child of the Babadook. Get Babashook!

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-unpredictable-dangers-being-atheist/

Can Apple Cider Vinegar Really Help You Lose Weight? An Investigation

For as long as literally anyone can remember, there have been claims that apple cider vinegar, the shit I use in my salad dressing, can help you lose weight. Because I’ve learned that I shouldn’t believe everything I read on the internet—no matter how hilarious or shocking it may seem—I did a deep investigatory dive on this shit. Yah, it’d be great to have this shit on the shelf as a miracle cure, but we all know dreams are made to be smashed. Will apple cider vinegar (ACV) help me lose weight, and if not, will it do other cool things to make me prettier, healthier, and overall a better person? Let’s find out.

THE SKETCHY TRUTH

So, like, according to the internet and my investigatory skills, this shit is a gray area. There was a study where mice given apple cider vinegar (ACV) lost weight because it suppressed body fat accumulation and metabolic disorders. But like, if I was super chubby and drank exclusively vinegar and water, I’m quite certain I’d lose weight, too. There haven’t been many studies on people, so like, depending how closely you think mice and people are related, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. There WAS a study on people done in 2009 where a bunch of fat Japanese people were split into groups and given either two tablespoons of vinegar, half vinegar and half water, or all water. Over three months, APPARENTLY those who had more vinegar had a lower body weight and lower BMI, but all in all, they only lost like 2-4 pounds, which I can do if I eat a lot of fiber and drink a lot of coffee. So, as far as my investigatory skills are concerned, whether or not there’s clinical proof ACV can help you lose weight is a toss-up. There are, of course, OTHER benefits, though.

THE GOOD SHIT IT CAN DO

Because ACV is literally acetic acid, there are obv some benefits to adding this shit to your diet. First, it can regulate your blood sugar, which is super helpful if, like me, you enjoy cookies as a meal. Secondly, it can help to control your appetite, but so can water when I chug a shitload of it (just saying). Third, it CAN help you lose some weight by boosting metabolism, but it may take a few months to show. The way we see it: It can’t HURT to work it into your diet. And hey—if you don’t want to drink it, incorporate that shit into an Amazon Clay Mask since it’s AMAZING for your skin.

HOW YOU SHOULD USE THIS SHIT

So, moral of the story: Yes, it may help you lose a few pounds by revving your metabolism, but it def isn’t going to be utilized by Dr. Now on . Since this shit is so strong, you should not drink it straight EVER. That means taking that shot of ACV can actually cause more damage (in the way of ulcers and sores on your mouth) than good. If you want to mix it into your diet, add that shit to a smoothie, use it as salad dressing, or mix 1 TEASPOON with a FULL glass of water. 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/can-apple-cider-vinegar-make-you-lose-weight

5 Games That Were Released Hilariously Broken

Making video games might seem like a sweet gig when you’re in junior high, when games are nothing but rocket launchers and yelling racial slurs on Xbox Live. But it’s actually super hard work, and not everybody can do it. Not just cheapo indie games get released in a garbage state. Even the biggest-budget titles can wind up more as cautionary tale than quality entertainment. For example …

5

Jurassic Park: Trespasser Tried A Novel User Interface: Breasts!

Trespasser was a 1998 PC game with a then-new concept: a completely minimalist player interface, with all information filtering through the character’s own body. This did not work as intended. For example, instead of a health meter, you kept track of your vitality via a heart-shaped tattoo on the character’s tits. It was 1998, and we hadn’t learned proper shame yet.

Electronic Arts

Electronic ArtsOr how to draw boobs.

Astute readers may have already spotted the problem: You could only see the tattoo by looking down, meaning you were constantly taken out of the game to ogle your own cleavage. A further problem: You had to be able to see said tits whenever you glanced downward, and that got in the way of spotting vital ledges, items, and enemies. Say what you want about Lara Croft, but her ample bosom probably never got her devoured by a velociraptor.

The dinosaurs themselves were a big selling point of the game. They were supposed to have advanced enemy AI, acting like real, deadly animal hunters instead of mindless meat puppets for the player to shoot at. Here are a few such realistic hunters on the prowl:

Electronic Arts

Electronic Arts*Cue John Williams*

It’s hard to be afraid of an enemy that gets itself caught in a wooden fence, then forgets about you while you’re still standing there. Incidentally, that’s the same reason they stopped making Halloween movies for a while.

Electronic Arts“Clever girl” wasn’t meant to be sarcastic.

4

Nobody Really Wanted To Make Aliens: Colonial Marines

SEGA released Aliens: Colonial Marines in 2013. It was a bold property that sought to explore what happens when the always-terrifying xenomorphs stop being horrifying and start getting funky.

SegaXenomorphs invented spin class.

It’s not like this was a rush job. They had seven years to work on this game. Yet Colonial Marines runs the gamut of terrible game features — crappy AI, buggy gameplay, awkward movement …

SegaIt’s trying to sneak out of the game.

Shockingly, this wasn’t entirely SEGA’s fault, but rather … Gearbox Software? No, the folks who made the amazing Borderlands series? What the hell happened? Oh no wait, it wasn’t Gearbox, it was TimeGate Studios, who …

OK, we see the problem. Nobody making this game actually wanted to make this game.

SegaAnd no one wanted to play it.

SEGA didn’t even want a monster game. They wanted Call Of Duty, but in space. Gearbox didn’t want to make Call Of Duty in space; they wanted to make Mad Max in space, which they did … with the money they “reappropriated” from this title. And TimeGate Studios … ah, who cares what they wanted? They were the patsy getting stuck with the bag. All three developers pulled the game in at least three different directions until the whole thing flew apart, spewing acidic blood everywhere like a nightmare pinata. And then they still released it.

3

Sonic ’06 Was Never Supposed To Be A Sonic Game

Sonic the Hedgehog has had it rough since the Dreamcast died. For a long time there, it seemed impossible to make a 3D Sonic game that wasn’t a crime against eyeballs. Just take a look at the 2006 Sonic The Hedgehog:

Sega

SegaGuess which drug the character is doing in each GIF.

In a series infamous for coasting on nostalgia and furry fan art, Sonic ’06 still manages to stand out as an exceptional disaster. It’s like the worst defendant at a war crimes trial — everyone there is a monster, sure, but this was the guy wearing a necklace of human genitalia.

SegaResult? Disappointment.

It was all screwed right out of the gate. The project wasn’t originally intended to be a Sonic game at all, but the development team got charged with the reboot, and they pretty much mashed everything together. Which might explain some of the bizarre interspecies romance on display.

SegaBut not all … You got problems, Sonic franchise.

The developers also had to program for two new consoles at the same time, neither of which they had any experience working with. In the middle of that mess, Yojiro Ogawa, the group’s director, sort of wandered off with half the team to start Sonic And The Secret Rings (which was also a giant steaming flop, but for totally different reasons). Stuck with little experience, insurmountable hurdles, and half a team, well … it didn’t help when SEGA demanded a finished game by Christmas 2006. That’s how we wound up with …

Sega

… and …

Sega

Was the other property they mashed this together with an Exorcist game?

2

Silent Hill HD Was Broken Because Konami Threw Away The Original Code

Silent Hill HD ended up being terrifying for reasons wholly unrelated to its sexually charged satanic imagery.

Konami

Now, to be fair, that screencap shows a completely terrifying monster. The problem: It’s not supposed to. That’s the graphics engine having a nervous breakdown. Far from a slick HD remake of one of the scariest series ever made, Silent Hill HD took all the carefully orchestrated atmospheric horror and replaced it with the vague, uncertain horror that you might not be able to get your money back for these broken games.

KonamiIf you look close, you can see the ghosts of their dignity.

See, the HD remakes were handled by a development company named Hijinx, who noticed something off about the source codes Konami had given them — namely, that they weren’t for the finished versions of the games. For some reason, Konami threw all that code away the minute they finished the series, and instead of turning down that easy remaster money, they handed Hijinx whatever garbage they had left lying around on old hard drives. Hijinx cobbled together what they could, but none of it played nice with the original material. This is how we got some of the most unsettling moments in horror never intended, like Maria’s eyeball-teeth here:

Konami

Or all the water turning to sausage:

Konami“Welcome to Silent (but deadly) Hill.”

1

Fight For Life Played Like An Unfinished Game … Because It Wasn’t Finished

This is the Atari Jaguar, the unholy offspring of a video game console and a telephone:

Atari

It wasn’t just ugly on the outside. It also ran like somebody filled a tractor’s gas tank with gravy. Toward the end of the Jaguar’s comically short life, Atari hired programmer Francois Betrand to produce a 3D fighting game the console could handle … the same way the human body could theoretically handle getting crushed by a falling airplane engine. Bertrand had previously worked on Sega’s successful Virtua Fighter series, so if anyone could squeeze a decent fighting game out of the Jaguar, it’d be him.

Turns out, no one could.

Atari

AtariSpending hundreds of thousands dollars on Pogs would have been a sounder investment.

This was in the midst of the final death throes of Atari, which at that point had stopped paying employees, since the company was being sold off to Hasbro anyway. After four months of surviving off crumbs in their keyboards, the developers finally put their foot down and refused to give Atari the latest build of the game until they ponied up the back payments. So Atari did the reasonable thing: They released whatever code they had already and called it a game. Fight For Life was only (generously) about 60 percent done, and thus was an utter disaster. The characters just stood around like idiots, because no one had programmed their animations yet. The game intro looks like an awkward attempt at speed dating for cosplayers.

That’s not even touching on the matches themselves. The characters sort of shuffle around the arena and occasionally flail at each other before falling over for no apparent reason. This wasn’t a video game; this was Fight Club in an old folk’s home.

Henrik Magnusson also enjoys meaningless pop culture and online harassment masquerading as satire in comic form.

Think you could do better? Check out “Level Up! The Guide To Great Video Game Design.

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